


I Do and I Don't

by AlwaysACuteMess



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Acceptance, F/M, Friendship, Heartbreak, Honesty, Inevitability, Making Love, Realization, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:39:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7759906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysACuteMess/pseuds/AlwaysACuteMess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's honest about his intentions, and she agrees to a situation she couldn't possibly live with. How do you make him love you when he doesn't want to? The answer is...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Do and I Don't

_“I was a second choice, since someone else bailed.” She tried to make sure her voice was above the noise of the music._

_His smile was affectionately bright. “Well I’m glad whoever that was decided to be an asshole tonight.”_

_That was how it started. Looking back, she kind of wished that was how it ended, too._

\----------

At 7:30 in the evening she received a panicked couple of texts, and when those went unanswered, the dreaded phone call came through. While it would have only been too easy to ignore it and listen to the pissed off voice mail that would follow, _something_ in her decided it wasn’t worth the weeks of angry stares that would ensue. Answering that phone call was a mistake. The previous messages already let her know that Tiffany was in trouble. Not the kind of trouble that actually mattered, as usual, but the kind of trouble that meant she’d have to play second fiddle in a situation she neither cared for nor appreciated.

Tiffany’s first in command had bailed on some sort of houseparty that was just- in her own words- _**all**_ the rage. She couldn’t go there alone, no no. Couldn’t be caught walking in like some friendless loser. She needed someone on her arm that would laugh at all her terrible jokes and wingman for her the entire evening. Someone that was marginally less attractive than she was, though still attractive enough to pull in a crowd. Someone to just- you know- boost her. Because she wanted to get laid tonight. By someone famous-

Well. As famous as youtube internet celebs went. But in some circles, sometimes, that was even more impressive than musicians, or actors, or comedians backed by huge companies. In fact, she had a soft spot for that community. These performers who built up their own channels, their own brands, worked at it for years, sometimes unsuccessfully so, until somehow it all snowballed and they had thousands of adoring fans. That took work. That took dedication. And so when Tiffany said there was a party she needed semi-attractive wingmaning eye-candy for where her first choice had bailed... despite the fact that she really didn’t want to go, she said sure.

_Sure, Tiff, I’ll come. But I’m not staying long. Just long enough for you to get noticed by someone. Then I’m out._

That was the plan, anyway. She didn’t fault her friend for wanting to get fucked. Or get fucked by someone marginally famous. Though it wasn’t the life _she_ lived, she wasn’t one to judge. Tiffany went from one fringe to the next. Didn’t like the serious stuff. Just wanted to have fun while she was still young. That was fine. Lots of people did that.

So once Tiffany let go of her when a gaggle of attractive men started paying attention to her, that was the cue to leave. At least it was supposed to be. But then she bumped into someone.  
Apologized. Laughed. Had a few pleasantries. The usual.

He was handsome. Quite a winning smile. An infectious giggle.  
Dan, or Danny, he’d said his name was. Youtuber like the rest of them there. Sweet, too, she could tell right away. Said he’d come with a group of people himself, told her the name of his channel- and then his other one. Was a musician, right down to his core. Had really started hitting it big. All the important first-meeting stuff. She’d tried to keep up. Told him about herself, tried to smile as cutely, tried to laugh as bouncily, tried to stay just as interesting with work life and home life and passion talk. He’d seemed really engrossed. Like he really cared. Looked right into her eyes and made her feel like her core was melting a little.

All of it was really just surface stuff, despite the overly-cheesy butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. The routine that went with it. Tucking of the hair behind her ear. Turning more towards him, letting her arms down, feeling warm at the apples of her cheeks and along the bridge of her nose. But it was just a meeting. He was a nice guy. She was a nice girl. That was it.

She knew that, but despite knowing it, having him just disappear completely had her stomach twisting in an uncomfortable knot. One moment she’d turned because Tiffany was telling her that she was about to get out of here- having picked her beau for the evening and wanting to take him home- and he’d turned, similarly, to get a drink, or something. She couldn’t recall what Dan had said exactly. Maybe that his friend wanted to talk to him? Something that required his attention. But when she was done saying goodbye to Tiff and turned back to wait for him to come around again, he was just... gone.

Nowhere to be seen. Stupidly she stood there alone at a party she had no business being at, especially not with her friend gone, the only reason she’d been there in the first place. Looked around for him, figuring he’d be easy to spot with that wild head of brown curls, towering over almost everyone else in his 6’2’’ frame. But no. He was nowhere. She was certain. He’d left.

It made her question if it had all been fake. If maybe she’d just trapped him in banal conversation and he was being polite. Smiling at the almost-pretty girl perhaps while trying to catch the attention of her much-prettier friend that she’d come in with. Like, _look, I’m talking to your ugly pal, I’m a nice guy right?_

He didn’t seem like the type, but what really did she know about Danny? Other than the few things he’d told her. He really could have been there looking for a fling just like Tiffany. Probably was, in fact, the more that she thought about it. So she got in her car and went home. Laid in bed with her laptop for a while. Contemplated deleting his phone number. Why he’d given to her was beyond her anyway, if he was just going to dump her for hotter tail and ditch out. Maybe it was fake. She wondered. He seemed so nice... so genuine...

But that was life. And she didn’t like to dwell. The night had been a waste of time, to no one’s surprise. Least of all, her own.

More perplexing still, the next morning- or afternoon, late riser that she was- a text from him waited happily for her response. It was worse, almost. She had kind of made peace with that he was a jerk in disguise and that she’d never hear from him again. So having him send her a, _Hey, good morning!_ , was hard to deal with. Harder still to respond to. What should she even say? Ask him what he wanted? Say good morning back, despite it being twelve in the afternoon?

She settled with, _What’s up?,_ Something traditional. Not too much attachment behind it. Like she couldn’t really care one way or the other. Except she kind of did. A little.

They spent the morning trading text messages back and forth while she worked. Got to the bottom of things really quick despite her attempts to try and play it cool. He explained that he’d been absolutely drained and half out the door when she’d started talking to him, and that he’d really liked her so he’d stayed. But when she excused herself to talk to her friend, he had thought she was saying _goodbye_ instead of _give me just a minute_. He followed this explanation up with that he knew it was a lame excuse but that his body and mind were just so wound out at that point that he just let his feet do the walking and, as she described to him, promptly vanished.

...but he was really very sorry.  
Didn’t mean to take off like that. Didn’t mean to make her upset.  
...because the truth was, apparently according to the man himself, he thought she was really interesting. And really liked talking to her. So-

_Would you be interested in getting coffee or something? Doesn’t have to be now but I’d really like to see you again._

Her answer, unequivocally,  
_Yeah, that’d be great._

Coffee was the start.  
Dinner was next, a few days later. And in between they were still texting. Talking all the time.

She really liked Dan. She thought Dan really liked her, too.  
It turned out that he did, she found out, when they were walking together around Little Tokyo, as her hand accidentally bumped into his and he laced his fingers together with hers for a few moments, smiled at her like someone who loved someone else, gave her hand a squeeze and then let go when they got to the sushi place.

But the week after that, when they went out for ice cream, it turned out he didn’t like her the way she wanted him to.

“Look,” He started, head turned down for a moment, twisting his spoon in his cup, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” It was at that moment that she realized he and Tiffany had far more in common than she ever would have guessed. So startling a realization that she couldn’t think of a single thing to say in response. He looked up, smile half nervous. “I mean- I like you, I really do. I think that’d be obvious by now.” And he was right. That was what made this so ridiculously upsetting. “But I can’t- ...this might be a huge asshole thing to say but I can’t do relationships right now.” And when she pursed her lips to the side, trying to do anything but let her eyes mist over, he put a hand up. “Yeah, I know. Huge huge asshole thing to say- it’s not, like- I’m not saying that because I wanna go out and bang a million ladies with no strings attached. Actually...

I can’t do that at all. Like the one night stand thing doesn’t really do it for me.” Breathing out a sigh, rambling at her because she had yet to stop him. She didn’t know if it was that she didn’t have the strength to make him stop or really wanted to sit through the whole explanation. Probably a little of both. “I can’t just get into bed with a stranger. It weirds me out. I really have to be attached- and that’s what makes it so stupid hard, you know? ...you probably don’t- that’s okay, too, I know this is fucking weird. Uh- and I don’t wanna put anything on you. Just that. ...I really do like you. I wanna keep seeing you. And if we end up fooling around that’s awesome but- like- I don’t... ugh..” Hand reaching up through his hair as he breathed out a grunt of dissatisfaction with himself.

“You don’t want me to be your girlfriend.” This came out colder than she meant. More dejected with herself, the way she looked, the things that made her her- how could she not be when he was saying something like that? Regardless of the reason behind it? ..well... he _was_ spilling his guts, and Danny had never been anything but honest with her... still..

A breath left his lungs in another defeated sigh as he looked up, frowning still at her. “I do and I don’t, you know? -you don’t, I should stop saying that. Bad habit, sorry.” Giggles not as light as she was used to hearing from him, but welcomed and pleasant nonetheless. “I just- things kinda aren’t right in my life for that sort of attachment right now, and I really, _really_ need to be upfront about that. Because I know this isn’t a lifestyle that everyone can go with or knows about or is used to and you’re totally within your rights to tell me to fuck off. I’d totally understand it. I just...” His eyes were warm and hopeful. Despite him saying that she could refuse- how in the hell could she, when he was looking at her like that? Did he even know what he was doing? The sort of power he held in a gaze like that? ...probably not. “I’m all over the place right now. We’re about to do tours all over, and cons, and I’m not stable in that way. I’m not gonna be around and... like..

I dunno. I just think like I did relationships before and they just sort of didn’t work. So with that and the career thing and the _me_ thing...” He seemed so deflated. So hard on himself, and for the first time, he didn’t explain this one. What was the **me** thing? She was so very curious. But he didn’t expand. “I like you- I keep saying that- but it’s true. I do like you. I’d like to- keep on seeing you. It just... it can’t be serious. I’ll probably see other people. You should, too- if you- I mean if you’re still into this mess. I would totally understand if you wanna smack me across the face and walk out right now.”

His smile was charmingly bashful and dejected all at the same time. Danny was dangerous and he didn’t even know it. How could he? “I- ...I don’t wanna hit you, no.” She wasn’t even sure that she could, no matter what she felt. “I don’t know what I wanna do.” He started nodding to this, understanding. This probably wasn’t the first time he’d had this conversation with a girl he liked. How could it be? Despite it sounding completely unrehearsed, she couldn’t fathom this was the first time.

Nobody said the things he’d just spouted at her without having done it a few times before. He knew what he wanted. It was her but it also wasn’t her. It was a few _other_ hers. And nothing serious.

“I think I need some time.” She said, finally, feeling a pit in her stomach. The same one that she’d felt when she’d thought he’d liked her two months ago and then vanished. This was sort of like that. Except ten times worse.

He nodded again, smile gone now. “Yeah- I get it. It’s totally cool, you know? If you don’t wanna talk to me anymore- I mean, it’d really fucking suck but... this is shitty. I know it’s shitty but it’s just.. it’s just the way my life has to be right now.” He sounded so sure of this.

Why? She wanted to ask. Why was he so sure? How did he really know? But then again, only he knew himself that well. If there was anyone who knew, it had to be him... right?

They left somewhat amicably that evening, although sad. Anxious. Uneasy.

She didn’t talk to him for a couple of days after that. Feeling like she should just let it go. He wanted to fuck around- sweetest, most affectionate man she’d ever known in her life- wanted to just fuck around and not have anything real. And what in the hell, really- wanted to fuck around only with people he really liked. Couldn’t fuck strangers- but really. Honestly... she couldn’t, either. She understood it, on some levels, and really didn’t want to on others.

It was four days before she called him. Talked to him for one minute- or really, listened to him because he said he was in the middle of something but he’d call her _as soon_ as he was finished. Because she was important and he’d been waiting. He didn’t say all of that but she could hear it in his voice. The desperation. Or maybe she was just imagining it all.

The problem was that she’d already fallen in love with him.  
The problem was that he was asking her not to do that, because he didn’t want that. He didn’t want something serious.  
Then the problem became when they spoke again she agreed she was fine with that. He asked her twenty times over that hour long phone call if she was sure. Really, really sure. And she said yes every time. When she’d managed to convince him they hung up.

The next night he called her. They hung out. Grabbed some dinner. Went back to his place.

Then they proceeded to have the most amazing sex she’d ever had in her entire life. He was loving and sincere in every drag of his fingers and lips along her skin, the way he murmured almost unintelligible things to her. Groaned in her ear while they fucked. Low and soft and almost skirting musical. Put her over the edge again and again for hours, took her down off that high when she squirmed with almost-overstimulation. Kissed her for a half hour after that and then started all over again. Made her shiver and call out for him, clutch to him like he was the only stable thing in her life-

But _the problem was that he wasn’t._  
Not that she had enough mind about her three hours into him rocking his hips against hers, thrusting his cock so deep inside her it send a wash of sparks straight up and down her. Shook her so completely that by the end she could only just barely make out him moaning her name as he came, completely missed the moments where he got up to do whatever it was while she drifted, and then fell asleep wrapped up in his arms.

They woke up in a pile of tangled limbs and messy hair the next morning. She smiled warmly as he ran his fingers through her hair, kissed her jaw, and then her cheek, and then her lips. Giggled together as they ate breakfast. Completely, already, she’d forgotten this wasn’t real. That realization- or knowledge, really, she’d agreed to all of it, after all- came when he dropped her back at her house. Stood in the doorway for a few moments while he nervously went through his plans- that he was leaving tomorrow for a show. Wouldn’t be back for a while. But he’d call.

Told her he’d had an amazing night.  
-and then told her that if she had changed her mind, he would understand.

She didn’t fathom the depth of this statement until he was gone. They’d kissed goodbye but she barely even remembered it. It was when she’d sat on her couch for ten minutes that it all came down. She cried. For a long while she just cried.

He was amazing. Everything she ever wanted in a person- in a guy. In a partner. But he wasn’t her partner. He didn’t want to be her partner. He had others. Wanted to go from one to the next until he was ready for her again. He wasn’t heartless, and it was easy to see the act as so very unbelievably so. But he just wasn’t. And it was hard. And she- ...she wondered.. and knew it was futile, knew it was selfish because he’d asked her not to-

_How do I make this serious when he doesn’t want it?  
How do I make him love me when he doesn’t want to? _

She simply could not.

**Author's Note:**

> ~Fin~


End file.
